The Fraud of Historical Fiction
I remember it well, and accurately. On
He paid up and left. I wish I'd asked him his name!
***
"He proved it to us using some kind of a
philosophical technique.
"'Here's how you can prove there's no God. For any
principle or idea or whatever, there has to exist its opposite. Black is
nothing without white, integers are nothing if there's no zero. That kind of thing. Now, in order for there to be a God,
there'd have to be a Satan. Now tell me, does Satan exist? Of course not! The
idea's absurd. Thus, since there's no Satan, there's no God.'
"I thought maybe there was something wrong with his
logic, but I was persuaded. His voice...."
***
Season 5, Episode 37: 26 June 1964:
"The Spacemen"
-Mission Control, calling Mission Control.
-Hello, who is calling please?
-Why, it's Jim Lovell, on Apollo 13.
-M'okay. Um, what desk are you
sitting at?
-What desk? I'm in the Apollo 13 spacecraft!
-Well, okay. I have to let you know this call may be
recorded for customer service purposes.
-Fine, fine! We've got a problem here!
-Okay, I hear you. I have to ask you some security
questions.
-What?
-Just a couple. What was the name of the street you grew
up on?
-How does that matter??
*
His name is James Lowell. His profession: Astronaut. He's
the commander of the thirteenth Apollo mission, with the intention of exploring
the moon. But, on this journey, an explosion has occurred. The astronauts knew
the risks, knew it was just a matter of chance. But this was no ordinary
explosion. This was an explosion not just through space, but through time. In a
few minutes, Lovell and his crew will discover there are more things in the
heavens and on the earth.... For it's actually
***
"I told Jimbo, 'Did your
cousins say anything yesterday? That they had to leave in a hurry?'
"Jimbo said, 'No, they
didn't say anything.'
"'So strange.'
"'Did the note say anything else?'
"'Nothing.'
"Two weeks passed, with no word from either of them.
Was it something we'd done? Had our hospitality been somehow remiss? Was it
because David had given them connecting rooms? There was a lot mysterious to
the business, and it wasn't until a whole lot later that we learned that the
gypsy had locked them in the cellar, behind a fake wall, kindly treated, but
sex slaves."
***
The time machine was the piece of lab equipment that cost
to her the most. But, once she had it, everything was smooth sailing.
She went back to 1973, found the subjects she had been
examining in 2013, and observed them. Yes, she had been correct in her hypothesis.
They were very conscientious toddlers. Who could have predicted that adults as
toddlers exhibited their later conditions?
Further hypotheses jumped to mind. If she modified in 2013
a psyche to become non-conscientious, would the toddler become non-conscientious
too?
She ran a controlled test in 2013, making half
non-conscientious.
The toddlers changed!
***
The painting inspectors arrived unexpectedly at
After silently flashing their badges they went straight
into my studio.
I watched as they flipped through my canvases.
A painting was pulled out.
"Jim, I think this is it."
'Jim' went over to look. He pulled out a blue paint swatch
and held it against my painting. The other agent held a bright pocket
flashlight.
"It's a match."
They came up to me, notebooks open.
'Jim' said, "You're under arrest for employing a
forbidden colour."
"Which one?"
"The racist one."
"I didn't know."
"Son, ignorance of the law is no excuse."
***
Kongming
Chapter 50's title starts with
"Kongming Foresees the Outcome
at Huarong"
and that's precisely what
happens
Kongming puts the ambushes in
precisely the right places
to capture Cao
Cao.
But the trick of it is obviously
that the events narrated
took place some thousand years
before this version of
Three Kingdoms
was written.
Yesterday, I had a premonition.
I would write about genetics and OCD
I would see something about Karl Kraus
I would write about Three Kingdoms
and don't you see?
I was right about it all!
I am prescient!
I know what will happen tomorrow!
Tomorrow night!
***
The scientist offered me his written summary, which he
proceeded to summarize further.
"Firstly, we've found a positive correlation between
obsessive compulsive disorder and artistry. By analysing the biographies of
artists, we found in their childhood and throughout their lives some measure of
OCD. Meaning a special type of concentration is necessary to make art.
"Secondly, we have linked the genetics of OCD with
the 23rd chromosome pair. OCD correlates to 80%±10% with the Y."
"Wait. Are you saying that artistry correlates
positively with maleness?"
"Yes, but correlation is not causation....
"That's how we can weasel out of that one."
***
The Lurking Horror
At
In bed, he heard a shuffling sound in the hallway. Then
the door opened, and in crept a grey-green pyramidical
creature not four feet tall, and glistening in the rising moonlight. As it
breathed heavily, foully, it held out a 16.0 megapixel
DSLR, took a picture, and left.
***
More evidence
I got home from a night out with a friend. Mary was out
elsewhere. I went up to the door, checked the mailbox, and opened the screen
door. I reached in my pocket for my keys. They weren't there. I checked all my
pockets. I'd lost my keys.
Mary would be coming along soon anyway. I walked back to
Broadview, thinking about lost keys. From Broadview I went back to the house.
Maybe she'd returned by some other route.
Lights were out. Maybe I could jimmy the door? I checked
the lock. My key was in the lock.
***
"Third year of Dragon
Harmony.
Seventh month. Third day.
"She told me to meet her in the movie theatre as she
would be arriving early.
"I arrived late. The theatre was half full. I sat
unobtrusively and looked about.
"I spotted her and made my way up the centre aisle
then along a row to where she sat beside a man.
"I touched her. She was cold. I embraced her. She was
dead.
"The man made a move to leave.
"'Stop him! He poisoned my wife!'
"He said, 'No—she gave me the pills! I'm going
to see a doctor!'"
***
"He told us something interesting that night.
"He said, 'Your average hotel. Let's consider a hotel
with a hundred rooms. What's going on in those rooms? Every day, every day the
room are fully occupied? Well, you know what's happening. In three-quarters of
the rooms, day in and day out, there's fucking going on. That's right: a
hundred rooms, seventy-five fucks a day.'
"'So what are you getting at?' June asked.
"He spread his hands like a God would. 'You're missing out on a lot of opportunities. Imagine
what a less scrupulous soul might do.'
"We talked about it later."
***
"Can it be true?"
"Can what be true?" I asked the purple space
monster.
"You count your days of live starting at birth rather
than death?"
"Of course," I said, brushing a bit of lint from
my collar. "How else?"
"We count from death."
"How can you do that?"
"It's most ordinary. I find it hard to explain. But
you: from birth? How can you know when you will be born?"
I did not know what he was getting at. "We know
because we know. It's certain."
"Isn't that odd. Maybe you have them
reversed."
We argued into the night.
***
A membrane surrounds the compressed air, and a hand
surrounds part of the membrane (which is a ball). Members of an opposing team
surround the one whose hand surrounds part of the membrane. Both teams are
surrounded by rows and rows of NBA fans, and the
***
Gene Autry Plays His eGuitar
I wish I had one of these things when I was just starting
out. Imagine where I could have gone with a machine that had such perfect touch
to it. Funny thing, time. Sometimes I pity folks alive
in 1500 because they never had a chance to even read a Shakespeare play. So
imagine I wasn't here now. Not able to play on this wonderful machine. I'd be
... a hundred years before my time, in a sense. Well, hello folks. Fifty
thousand watts, brought to you by King Arthur Flour. I
found my thrill....
***
All he could think about was sleep as the bus bumped. The
even cracks in the pavement sounded out a heartbeat. His limbs were heavy. He
noticed that even if he'd wanted to he couldn't get up which he always took as
a sure sign sleep was on its way. He tried to keep his eyes open, paradoxically
to make sure he slept soundly. Then he couldn't keep them open when he failed
to keep them open. Lub-dub, lub-dub,
beat the cracks. His head wouldn't move. Everything was confused in his head.
He was on a bus. On a bus.
***
Don't you know it? It's all because of the senses. When
they agree, everything makes sense. When they disagree, one of them has to give
in. For example: yesterday it felt very cold. There was no snow on the ground.
Today there's snow, and even though the temperature hasn't changed, it doesn't
seem as cold. That's because yesterday the sense of sight and the sense of
touch were in disaccord; today, the two senses are in accord. It felt colder
when there wasn't any snow. As simple as that. Look:
here come some guys dressed in white with butterfly nets.
***
The Magnificent Bigotry of Far From
Heaven
Turn in your books to page 17 where there's an account of
2002's Far From Heaven. This is our primary sample of what's called chronological
bigotry. The film depicts the 1950s as, ironically, bigoted, considering
that the film-maker—Todd Haynes—intended it as a (ham-fisted) condemnation of
bigotry. However, the bigotry of the film (against the 1950s) overshadows any
cogent critique because it is so intentional. By cherry-picking elements of his
hated parents' lives, Haynes illuminates his bigotry in a way that only an East
Coast bigot can. Write up a long condemnation.
***
Hampster Sightings
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hampster_Dance
The Hampster Dance or Hampsterdance
is one of the earliest examples of an Internet meme.
http://www.hampsterdance.com/
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hampster 1. hampster
The incorrect pronounciation of 'hamster'. Annoying as hell.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xo8kgf_f-777-hampster-dance_music
Top of Form Bottom of Form * Browse
http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/hampster-dance
I Can Has ROFLrazzi FAIL Blog
http://originalhampster.ytmnd.com/
Back to YTMND Site Profile Comments Title The Original
Hampster Dance
https://www.google.ca/search?q=%22hampster%22&sa=N&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&ei=v9ivUu-DAsSQ2gXusoHACQ&ved=0CCkQsAQ4Cg&biw=1893&bih=915
Web Images Maps More
(In response to a
complaint we received under the US Digital Millennium Copyright Act, we have
removed 1 result(s) from this page. If you wish, you may read the DMCA
complaint that caused the removal(s) at ChillingEffects.org.)
***
Weather,
It's 26º in
Brr, it's
cold in
Light snow in
Looking for warmth? Head to
Lovely seaside
All over the world there's atmosphere.
Toasty in Sri
Jayawardenapura Kotte. 29º!
It's 20 below in
Dress warmly; dress cool.
***
To
Our Readers
As some of you have complained, we are indeed calling the
world-historical city of
The explanation is: Fuck history. So what if all of the
past is thrown into incoherence so long as we can look oh-so-superior to you?
Who cares if
(Next year we'll write it Київ!)
***
Johnny W. has two magnificent body-mangling machines.
One is a wooden table measuring four by seven. Straps for
hands and feet are at the corners at top and bottom. Above the table is an
array of sharp spikes each one attached through long helices to the ceiling.
The helices respond to a computer and its programme and a stereo in the corner
of the room. The LP right now on the turntable is side three of the Saturday
Night Fever soundtrack. The computer is shut off and Johnny W. is out shopping at
the mall.
The other machine is indescribable.
***
Somewhere in the Middle of Herodotus
the oratorical Athenians, knowing as they do that the
Persians are going to invade, go to the laconic Spartans for aid, not because
they lack brave warriors but rather provisions for the coming great war between
east and west. The deputation from
This took place 9-10 December 2013.
***
The President ascended the dais. She said,
"My fellow Americans: recent scientific research has
finally calculated—I said finally—the number of British Thermal Units required
by the average human being, and that number is equal to ... two sticks of wood
a day.
"THUS I am enacting by Executive Order Operative
Two-Stick. From this day forward, every citizen will be provided with two
sticks a day. All other sources of energy are hereby outlawed. Please line up
in alphabetical order for your two hundred sticks sufficient for one hundred
days. No pushing, please. Let's think and act scientifically here."
***
nomenomen
I re-found something today, something I'd read in the Oshawa Public Library over thirty years ago, on the
Internet. My last name Skaife.
Derived from an Old Norse
nickname skeifr. Meaning awry,
difficult, with uncontrolled hair, particularly difficult, particularly
awkward. (Another definition I read thirty years ago was 'fearful
mountain dweller.')
Then I recalled that it's not my father's father's last name. My grandmother's second husband was
named Skaife, and I'm unrelated to him. My father
took his last name.
But still
Isn't it pretty special that my grandmother re-married
just so I would have an appropriate last name?
