Yakety Sax

I've lived so long I've run out of faces.

In every face I see I see traces

Of friends half-forgotten or TV shows'

Actors or movie stars even; I suppose

It has to come in everyone's life

When repetition is the everlasting rule.

I was in church this Christmas with the wife

And up ahead, a woman there for yule

Looked like Alanna herself in the flesh.

(Last week the wife went solo and spoke

To this woman; in fact she was Alanna's sister.)

I suppose I myself look like some other bloke

To those I meet, some other mister.

 

*

 

Jamal al-Jamal, the Palestinian Authority ambassador to the Czech Republic, died yesterday when he triggered a booby trap in a safe which had been transferred from A PLO mission only recently.

In related news, 'Yakety Sax' was composed by James Rich and Boots Randolph in 1963 and recorded by Randolph in the same year. In 1965, Chet Atkins recorded a cover version entitled 'Yakety Axe.' Finally, Ronnie Aldrich and his Orchestra recorded a version which was used on 'The Benny Hill Show' starting in 1969 to accompany tableaux in which Hill was caught in silly predicaments of his own design.

-2 January 2014

 

*

 

I slumped against the wall as R- was walking towards me. I pointed out my new boots. "They're heavy, and they're tiring." She said, "You'll get strong thighs. You know what they say about strong thighs." I said, "I'm just worried about wearing out my hipbones."

A minute later, alone, I realized I didn't know what they say about strong thighs. They say something, but what?

Should I ask R- tomorrow? What if it's something sexual? (It must be?) I could check the Internet....

What do they say about strong thighs? My God, what do they say about strong thighs?

 

*

 

"I'm only going to tell you this once, so listen up.

"This bucket here contains all your subjects. Start small, just pick one. If you pick two you need something from the conjunction bucket.

"Then reach over here, right beside the subjects, this bucket, right, pick out a verb, doesn't matter which one yet.

"There, now you got the frame. But it might not make a whole lot of sense, so you'll want to add some adjective at the beginning and maybe an adverb penultimately.

"That's about it for now. Slap them together. Make me some sentences. One hundred sentences."

 

*

 

Thomas Mann at Niagara Falls

 

I remember, when I was eight, my parents took me to Niagara Falls in the winter. The first evening, we went down to look at them. It was very cold, and across the way, the American falls, were very frozen. Long and gigantic icicles hung down with water running over them. Even from a distance you could see it all happening. Lights of all colours moved across the ice of the falls. I stared out at this phenomenon, cold running through my coat. And I remember thinking: Is that all there is to a waterfall?

 

*

 

Two couples over twenty years. Formerly fine friends—whole plot having a good time somewhere—now bitter enemies for economic reasons. Whole society has collapsed because of debt bubble. Murders. Huddling in freezing buildings. Recriminations, regrets. One of those post-apocalyptic thingies. Horror at the universe, knowledge of death. No chance of reconciliation. One couple has goods, the other doesn't. Wrap it all together in a New Yorker style, but only in the second half. First half a rip-roaring comedy in the vulgar excess mode. Carnival. Then, cannibalism. The thin veneer of civilization gets stripped away. Not to animals, but close.

 

*

 

Note on 'Personality'

 

A little before eight the next customer was that guy with the messy red hair. He's looking at me funny. He says, "Could I have a pack of ... oh, geez, I, I thought I was ordering cigarettes, confusion, it's a matter of habit, right? um, what? bagel with, sesame seed bagel with ... butter, and a ... large coffee, please."

I joked, "We sell drugs too," but he seemed too self-absorbed to understand. And then I was confused getting him change.

You see all kinds here, I guess. But that's one messed up guy, for sure.

 

*

 

"Oh Goodness yes, goodness is important, for instance I saw on the news just two weeks ago, maybe three I don't remember, I saw on the news the idea that using salt on your sidewalk was evil, truly evil! to the environment, not good for the grass or somesuch, and I said to Bill, Bill, this year: no salt on our sidewalk!

"Well I'm sure you know what's happened since then—the sidewalks are crazy with ice! All of them! Not just ours! Very comforting isn't it to know your neighbours agree with you!

"But—poor Bill. Visiting hours 3-4."

 

*

 

Note on 'Personality'

 

Everyman speaks.

I cannot see myself without external aid. My heart beats: how many—other than me—have heard a single beat? I see my nose, my hands, my feet—but never my eyes: I cannot view the windows of my soul. Why does Everyman feel Everyman is not what Otherman sees when Everyman makes a single gesture? Everyman is stupidly sad because Otherman is no more reliable than a glass plated with dumb silver and mercury. Remember always that mirrors (common knowledge) pull objects inside-out. I, the Everyman, can't even breathe out without simultaneously breathing in....

 

*

 

In Heaven

 

In heaven are God and all the angels. God is a trinity. The angels have nine orders. The angels are adored by people who have managed to get there after they died. How they are chosen is God's doing, but it's safe to say you have to have been at least a good person to wind up there. It all spins around at a great distance from us. Once there was an angel who climbed down by a ladder from there but that was a long time ago. Everything's in circles because circles are perfect. That is heaven.

 

*

 

Metaphysics

 

Consider a circle radius one. The point at the centre let's call Hell. The infinite points one away from it let's call Heaven. Imagine a force, a miraculous force, which could instantly exchange singularity and infinity. What would happen then? Well, Heaven would become a point and Hell would become all points one unit away from Heaven. (Yeats called this a gyre. [If I'm wrong it doesn't matter because I'm fictional and allowed mistakes.]) This is how to imagine in three dimensions two opposites always equidistant yet not give precedence to one over the other. This is one solution.

 

*

 

In Hell

 

In Hell are Satan and all his devils and demons. They don't have ranks or degrees because it's pandemonium. They hustle and bustle in constant conflict because Satan likes it that way. Beneath them all in a matrix of infinite hatred are all the people who failed in some way when they were alive. They can't stand anything. They can't stand Satan, the devils and demons, or each other. Plus they've got nasty punishments going on. It beggars the imagination. I have to mention that it's really hot and full of flames. Life's not very pleasant in Hell.