Touché!

As a Comedian

 

As a professional comedian, I was yesterday called upon to participate in what’s called ‘laugh therapy’ in an old folks home. This is how the comedians guild works. They tell you to go some place, so you go.

This is what I said.

“Nice to see you all here. You know, in show biz there’s a principle: captive audience vs. incaptive audience. Well, you’re the most captive audience I’ll ever see.

“You know what I don’t like? I don’t like seeing children being treated like they’re geriatrics. You know what I mean? I see it all the time. You know, you gotta hide the car keys from them, because who knows what shit they’ll get into.

“Then there’s the thing about their forgetfulness. Wait, no, diapers. You gotta spend all the time cleaning up  your baby’s shit, it’s like he’s an old man!

“Another thing: you can’t talk to them proper. They’re all daft. Tell a kid something, faint chance he’ll get it. Like he’s an oldster. Know what I mean?

“Should I be pitying you? Nah, you babies. Odds are I’ll be sitting in your places one day. Like a baby again. Helpless. Idiotic. Comedy fodder.”

 

***

 

Participant Observation

 

On Friday afternoon, I went out for a cigarette and to read a little. When I finished my cigarette I dropped it on the ground and snuffed it out with my shoe.

“Hey, man, can you help me out?”

I knew what he wanted. “What?”

“I just need two bucks. I have to get to Barrie, see. It’s my son’s birthday.”

Now I’d heard the ‘get to Barrie’ bit before, years ago. But now there was a son in the story? and it was his birthday?

I had to give it up. I gave it to him. Three extra dollars.

On Saturday evening, I went out for cigarettes. I also bought a chocolate caramel cake.

Walking back, I saw a quartet of ruffians throw a potted plant into the street. We neared. The guy right in front of me stopped, and I stopped. Neither gave way.

He was young and tall. We were very civil. I guess he said “Move” first. I said, “Why don’t you move?” “I don’t want to move.” “Neither do I.”

We were cordial in our aggression.

I said, “Fine,” and went around him.

He said, “I’m a bit drunk.”

I said, “Me too.”

 

***

 

How did we meet? I know you’re all thinking that. But I want to tell you rather my condition at the time.

I smelled great, like new linen. He took me up, put my head over his, put his arms into mine, inserted his legs into my legs. And we were as close as two things could ever be.

For a few weeks, I watched him from my corner carefully. He knew I was there; he wanted me over him. Finally, he would give in, and we’d hit the town.

How he loved me so! We’d jump out from streetlamps, him screaming, “Bleagh! I’m a bear! Run!” and he would make my plastic claws flicker in the lamplight.

Then everything went bad. I started to smell, inside and out. He’d drink in me, piss in me; finally he vomited in me. But would he take me to the cleaners? No, never to the cleaners. And here’s my point: I couldn’t separate from him! I was completely under his control.

What was wrong with him? I never found out.

Days would pass without a movement.

Finally, all movement stopped.

We merged then; two entities completely connected. Skin and fake fur blended.

 

***

 

Math is Hard

 

To the editor:

Elizabeth Renzetti's sure perplexed today! Gooo, how can it be that men dominate in sport? Why aren't sporty women on TV more often?

Golly, could it be that people are more interested in seeing the outer limits of human potential than spending their time being interested in (or pretending to be interested in) the achievements of a sub-set chosen for partisan reasons?

It may be fun to partition for ideological purposes one subset of a group; but we're not all ideologues all the time, so the achievements of set(x) outweigh the achievements of set(x)/y where y>1.

 

To the editor:

You guys! I know you publish letters just to make fun of their writers, but please stop. Example: publishing Patricia Clarke's letter about political donations. It's cruel to so display her innumeracy! If she thinks that since 80,135 donated to the Conservatives while 129,519 didn't, then "more Canadians know we're not better off with Harper," she must also know that likewise:

71,655 Liberal, 137,999 not

39,218 NDP, 170,436 not

14,500 Greens, 195,194 not

4,146 Bloc, 205,508 not,

which means that even more Canadians know we're not better off with the alternatives.

Shame on you, Globe!

--7-8 July 2014

 

***

 

A Saucerful of Secrets

 

"But ... Jupiter, Saturn, Oberon, Titania, and Miranda are not interstellar, Mr. Floyd."

 

In a dream, I left (during a move) a box at the curb and it was taken. I believed I'd been robbed before realizing it must have been as abandoned curbside trash. Therefore dreams, too, have appearances and realities.

 

"Jane, I mean ... I thought he was an interesting person; turned out he was just another person of interest."

 

The bomp was there when I found it.

 

Nostalgia for the moment of my very first regret.

 

Bullshit town contest winners announced.

 

Motley and maggoty bear costume.

 

Abjection.

 

I should invent some awards to award to myself. Most other industries do.

 

So after it was reported that the Toronto District School Board would be paying $700,000 to fix electronic locks made insecure by their erroneous publication of all their key codes, the cost suddenly dropped to $140,000. Boy, I bet a lot of brothers-in-law of a low of TDSB councillors are mighty pissed! ("There goes the new swimming pool!")

 

Staff Note: Due to the overuse of 'epicentre' as a dramatic intensifier of 'centre', the term has lost its forcefulness. From now on, use 'epi-epicentre'.

 

***

 

Touché!

 

-Oh, so two nights ago, you know what my daughters did?

-Mm?

-They took me to a very nice restaurant, for my Birthday.

-Oh, interesting....

-I paid for the wine, but still.

-That’s okay.

-It was a nice little place. Never been to it before.

-Sounds like fun.

-Oh, it was! Cozy place. I’m tellin’ you, we’re bad for drivin’ these places out of business.

-Really? What are you doing to drive these places out of business?

-Oh, I don’t mean me, I mean us.

-You are a part of us. Right?

-Yeah.

-So what exactly have you been doing? What have you been up to?

-I haven’t done a thing!

-You just confessed to doing something to drive ‘these places’ out of business. I want to know what it was.

-Nothing! I haven’t done a thing! We’ve done things!

-Look. I haven’t done a single blessed thing to drive anyone out of any business. So tell me—since you’re feeling guilty—what have you done? Confess!

-You’re not seeing the Big Picture.

-Big pictures are made of little pictures. What have you done to small businesses?

-I don’t know....

-You don’t know....

-Have mercy. I was wrong.

-Touché!