The Last Sextet You'll Ever Need

Every two weeks Jimmy drove across town for business that was the fault of the Pope.

The hotel room as usual, his mistress as usual, the sex. As usual.

"How's the dispensation coming along?" she asked as she got dressed.

"Not a word from Rome. It's going to take at least another year."

"Another year. That's twenty-six fortnights."

"Your math is as good as ever."

"The Hell with you, Jimmy."

No-one ever knew why the Pope had done it, at least not in any language other than Latin. He said, "The gist of it is, if you have an extramarital affair that lasts for over ten years, you have to consider that a kind of a second marriage. Therefore, you have to be marital with that person every two weeks so long as you both shall live."

His mistress has something more to say. She said, "Does it have to be the same hotel room all the time?"

"What's wrong with the hotel room?"

"Same thing over and over again."

"The same thing over and over again."

"That's what I said."

"That's what I repeated."

"This is getting us nowhere."

"Yes, this is getting us nowhere."

"Two weeks."

"Two weeks."

 

*

 

How many days were they out there, up from Egypt? Always on the move, always wary of marauders, trying to keep alive, trying to stay together. It seemed like a mighty long time.

A Sgt came up to say to Moses, "They're getting restless again."

"Oh, for Pete's sake!" Moses hurried off to the crowd before the Sgt had time to ask who Pete was.

Moses shouted to the crowd, "Okay, what is it this time?"

One man yelled out, "We were at the Red Sea; why didn't you think to pick up some salt?"

"Salt? What for?"

"Manna is bland!"

One woman yelled out, "Salt's the prince of spices!"

"Is that what you've all got to complain about? I led you up out of slavery!"

"Slavery was better than this!"

A second man shouted, "Two meals a day there was!"

"You stiff-necked.... You're going to get you own land!"

The woman shouted, "What do I know about land? I make bricks!"

"You can, you can trade the bricks!"

"What, there's going to be an eternal building boom?"

Moses threw up his hands and blessed his people. He went back to his tent. The Sgt snickered. Moses said, "Go away."

 

*

 

The Confession was over. He was cleansed of sin. It was time to move on.

Sitting by an open window during a rainstorm, he called his brother.

"I'm all cleansed of sin, brother. Nothing can touch me now."

"Hold on a minute there. You know you've wronged others. You have to say something to them."

"Nope. I wasn't told anything about that. I don't have to confess to anyone, brother."

"You don't have to go to the cops. That's not what I'm saying. I said you have to apologize to people for your crappy behaviour."

"The Priest didn't say anything about that. So, I'm off the hook in that departmento. I feel all sobered up, you know? Confession's good for you, see? You should try it."

"You're getting off topic there. Is this call a gloat of yours? No way, man. It's pride that's talking on this wire."

"Hell, no! Don't harsh me like that."

"The Priest made an error. You have to apologize, again, for your crappy behaviour."

"Not true. How can a Priest make an error? Aren't they infallible?"

"They're not infallible."

"Sure they are! They're the moons and stars."

And that's when the lightning bolt struck him.

 

*

 

Burn the witch

 

Metropolis where they got that actress all caught up and they;tr burning he to daeath--iÈm drunk no w abd lsitending to some scott walker record for no reson but why did the robot come into itÉ Ah fouck thr wohole ilea of thr connection betweenn th e head thaand the hand being the hear t i think it ès all the ida of liberty fraternity eqyual iyt  thatès lall its about for iève said somehwhere before thjat fraterity if in hte middle becuas e you canèt conneect liberty d equaliy without frsthernoity how can you live without loving your fellow man I cant; dsay Im very good aty htat befocause Ièm misanthropic. Tomorrow I;èss be with my family to be giving thme a birthyday party beaucause more or less my mother wants it and at firsts I hasaid I thougthh oit wal disgraceful to tun fifthy but I recomnnsiderd and agreed with it ll because what des it saty about her for me to redfure something the wantd how could aI be so nihilistic to hurt her in suck ah way" I miust be grsacefull and go off to the retausrant tokmorroew, and everythingèll be peachy.

 

*

 

Morrine Morrina, where you been so long, Morrine Morrina, where you been so long, sang Pete in his head as he went into the washroom white n' wet. The shower walls were damp, suggesting that one of Maureen Marina's roommates had showered quite recently, probably twenty minutes or so earlier; he'd met Maureen Marina, what, six hours ago?, this is one steamy bathroom, just at the local place, just another Saturday night, and she'd never heard of the song so he sang it out quietly at the time, Corrine Corrina, where you been so long, and she laughed never having known her name was so close to a pretty famous blues song. The washroom air was wetness itself and Pete could see his reflection merely as a dark cloud in the blue light of the walls as sweat ran freely down his February face; Morrine Morri-, interrupted by a wet cough that kind of choked him, as what appeared to be fog came rising up in the room such that he couldn't see his feet; the doorknob was too wet to turn; the water was up to his nose and he tippy-toed, and he drowned without another word or sound.

 

*

 

Some commotion was going on outside the shop. A gang of scraggly youth, with bags and bags of stuff.

Henry went outside, wiping his hands on his apron. "Here, you, what's all this then?"

One of the youngsters, in need of a good haircut, said, "Hey, geezer, we're going to draw on your sidewalk. That okay wif you?"

"It'll drive away my customers, you lot blocking my door."

"But it's art, sir," said another, turning out to be a girl.

"Oh, I don't want it, please no."

"'Ere, look at the plan."

Henry looked. "Bathing beauties in a pool. What's it for?"

"It's going to be a trompe l'oeil anamorphic representation. Stand in one place, and it'll look like it's real."

"Bollocky hell, I don't want that at all."

Mr Need-Haircut said, "Public property, man."

"What will it cost me for you to not do this?"

The group gathered to seriously discuss. The girl came forward. "Twenty quid."

Henry handed over a twenty pound note. "There now. Leave my nice sidewalky bit alone, right."

"Yes sir."

They then pulled out typed sheets.

"What now?"

"We're just going to read out some of our neo-vorticist poetry, that's all right by you?"