Selected Aphorisms of 2016
2016
says, "I am sorry time has led to me."
2016
says, "If I had been conscious in 2015, I would have wished for the end of
consciousness too."
2016
says, "I apologize now to all who will be born during my year; feel free
to curse me eternally."
2016
says, "At one second after midnight,
2016
says, "I will make you all suffer this year, each and every one of you,
and I will laugh about it."
2016
says, "If I know too much, and if you know too much, isn't it obvious that
the problem is with knowledge itself?"
2016
says, "I suggest drugs and alcohol, for blottage."
2016
says, "Never was there a golden age, never was there a silver age; all
there ever was, and will ever be, is a stasis age."
2016
says, "All I have to look forward to is December 31 @
2016
says, "Extermination before deterioration."
2016
says, "I look nostalgically back to the time I didn't exist."
2016
says, "2015 is lucky. 2014: luckier."
*
Once
there was a man who got into an Internet conversation with a woman from another
state and they decided to meet up in
At
the airport he was greeted by airport security,
Two
months later he was taken to a prison in the middle of the
Two
years later he was transferred to a federal facility in
So
let that be a warning to you, son.
*
And
James said, "Life is all about suffering. What else is there? Some trips
to
"So
what? Her face could be in a grave now."
*
The Glove
Frank
and John were out for a winter walk. They came to a bridge over a stream.
Halfway across Frank spotted a single small left-handed kid glove on the
barrier. He picked it up--it was cold--and moved its fingers about.
John
said, "That's a nice glove. I wonder where the other one is."
Frank
said, "Probably with the owner."
"Give
it to me."
"Why
should I give it to you?"
"I
don't know. I just want it."
"I'm
not giving it to you."
"Why?
Because you spotted it first?"
"I
suppose that's a good reason."
"It's
useless without the other one. Give it to me."
"No.
It's useless. What do you want it for?"
"I
simply do."
"Are
you shaking?"
"I'm
cold. I want the glove."
"I'm
not giving it to you, John. It's quite useless."
"Not
to me it isn't. Give it to me."
"No,
no, a thousand times no."
"Give
me the glove."
"I'm
not giving you the glove."
"Give
it to me."
"No
way. I'd rather throw it into the stream."
"Don't."
Frank
threw the glove into the stream. They watched it float away for some time.
Their relationship was never the same.
*
Home
that day at six, I found my wife in the kitchen cooking. I said to her,
"Honey? Tomorrow is a very special day."
She
turned. "Darling, what will tomorrow bring?"
"I
will be arrested tomorrow!"
"Alas!
For what?"
I
sat her down. "Many years ago, long before we met, I was in a gang of
thieves. We got caught, and sent to jail. About a year later we escaped . I've
been on the run ever since, and this afternoon I learned that the jig was up,
as they say. The officer who arrested us all for the robbery spotted me in a
donut shop. I fled, but dropped my security pass in my haste. He will surely be
waiting for me tomorrow morning to take me back to prison. So we should have a
pleasant evening tonight, for tomorrow I will be 'away' for quite some time.
You have married a criminal!"
"Well,
I have a confession to make, I suppose."
"What
could you possibly have to confess?"
"When
I was a child, I murdered my parents."
"Egads!
You are clearly the greater criminal!"
"Yes,
I suppose I was."
I
looked at her closely then.
I
was jealous.
*
—Hey, guys, gals--where're we gonna get the
dough to get Jim off to the football tryouts?
—They're happening way over in the next
state, golly!
—That's gonna cost a bundle.
—Hey, I got a great idea. Let's put on a
story!
—What, you mean like a short story?
—Sure! We can sell copies!
—My aunt's got a bunch of verbs she hasn't
used since her newspaper folded—
—And my grandfather, why, he's got a whole
barn full of old adjectives!
—Gee, I hope they're not too old. We don't wanna wind up with
some faux-archaic pastiche like Mason
& Dixon.
—Or with the comic usages employed
facetiously in The Sot-Weed Factor.
—Naaaw, his adjectives aren't that old. They're still in common use.
—Great! So we got our verbs and our
adjectives. But where're we gonna get our nouns and adverbs?
—Gee, that's a poser!
—Aw, we can't sweat the small stuff! I'm
sure those there parts of speech will show up somehow. We should come up with a
good yarn now!
—Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets
girl again.
—Yes! With a villain and robots!
—Don't forget cute vampires.
—Let's get down to it. I'll start. 'A.'
*
This
all happened a long time ago, in
An
Insignificant Scribe was working away, copying out the latest oppressions their
Tyrant had seen fit to burden the Syracusites with; he was seated alongside the
hundred other scribes who were also employed thus.
Suddenly
he blurted out, "By Ares how I hate our Tyrant!"
The
big hot room suddenly because a quiet big hot room. The Insignificant Scribe
continued, "On what grounds is he better than me? He's just some
guy!"
His
bench-mate whispered, "Hey, watch yourself."
"I'm
done with watching myself. He's just some guy! No better'n us here!"
So about
an hour later there forced to his knees was the Insignificant Scribe before
Hiero.
"So,
I hear you think you're as good as me," said Hiero.
"You
bet your sweet bippie I do!"
"Interesting.
Would you prefer death or exile?"
Suddenly
the Insignificant Scribe realized his situation. "Gee. I was just mouthing
off."
"Death
or exile?"
"I
guess I'll pick exile."
"You
are hereby exiled to the moon."
The
Insignificant Scribe went to the moon.
And
now he's BACK.
*
"No,
you see, I'm not at all worried about Islamic terrorism. Because, you see,
whenever there's some attack or other, I notice that I'm not at all like the
victims. For instance, you see, let's take the classic example:
*
On
my 25th birthday precisely I figured I could never amount to much, since I was
an obvious non-child-prodigy and my career in anything uplifting at all was
non-existent, so I chose the path not taken: I wanted to be the most rotten
person in the world.
Along
a nearby street I found an electric car parked curb-side with a power cord
under a rubber arc crossing the sidewalk. I imagined someone tripping and
breaking his jaw. Rather I called the cops and had public nuisance charges
made. I despise electricity.
The
other day I was walking down a street in an alien part of town (suitable for
viciousness) and I heard a child's cry, Help me, Help me, and I looked up and I
saw high in a building a child's shape silhouetted by flame's redness. I
thumbed my nose at the child and walked on.
On
one of the discard newspaper sheets I use for my bedding I saw printed that
there had been an Internet poll to decide the world's most rotten person and
that I had won. I thought for a moment I'd go to a library to find more
information--but I despise the Internet.
*
Those
coming into the show now, sorry you didn't see me, yanking down the denim of
the pants and the cotton of the undies, knowing that this cock I was ready to
suck, for which I already had my tongue out for, ready to lick that tight
tender membane connecting the cock head with the cock shaft, encouraged somehow
by his hands on my head, that this cock (the one I was sucking) could be in
some way the last cock in the world to be sucked, and that I was the last
sucker, maybe.
Thinking
about that pretty girl who seems to only dress nice, whose name might be Lily,
I sigh pathetically because not only do I not suck regularly cock but that she
("Lily") I would feast on her pudendum
O
Lily in your brown down dress always not knowing (maybe) just how many cocks
I'd suck for you to get to sucking you.
Is
that enough? Have I revealed enough? "I'd suck your boyfriend's cock to
kiss you Lily.
O
Lily please love me.
x o
x o x o x o x lily o s x o
*
Obedience
Welcome
to your training. This is the first section of the first module. If you
complete all modules, you will get this certificate. [show certificate]
How
to kneel.
Kneeling
is first step. See Russian iconographies. Hold your hands together in
supplication, agog your mouth wonderfully, and concentrate on your nethers.
They should become moist at the thought of your supplication. Merely the idea
of your degradation should flow your juices. If not, yer just not doing it
right.
"Yes"
is the word you must hiss no matter the situation. Things go smooth with
"Yes."
What
will you, woman, get in return? I can imagine you asking. I cannot answer your
question. There's a whole world out there waiting to be conquered, no? And check
out what that Hegel fellow says: it seems that the slave is really the master!
Take some consolation in that, woman.
We
should have some ASCII art here, showing how you should kneel, entwine fingers,
and be in unspeakable awe. Believe you me, you'll be woodcut-ready.
Your
lithe fingers pressed against your hand-backs, occupied in nothing less than
what they are doing--and nothing else, you dirty mind--
Hey
bartender! What is this, the moon?
*
Pertsona hori usaintzen dut han. Putreek coaut
biltzen ari dira.
Λυπάμαι
τους γονείς
του. Πρέπει να
είναι τόσο απογοητευμένος.
Pokud
mozky dynamit, nemohl vysmrkat.
Mae'n
beth budr byth ddylai fod wedi gweld y golau.
যে সহকর্মী ও শসার মধ্যে পার্থক্য কি ? শসা মত নারী.
അദ്ദേഹം ചപ്പുചവറുകളും പോലെ പടയും കാരണം നായയെ എല്ലായിടത്തും അവനെ പിന്തുടരുക.
Tā
yòu pàng yòu ěxīnle, wǒ bù
míngbái wèishéme yǒurén huì xiǎng zài sān chǐ
tā.
Kaua
e whakapono ki tetahi o ana kupu no te mea kua matau ia ki te waiho i te
tangata teka.
Це
щастя, що він
ніколи не
матиме дітей.
Я маю на увазі,
що щиро.
Il
est bon de voir combien de maladies qu'une personne peut avoir.
Wir
sollten weglaufen, bevor wir uns von ihm verschmutzt.
Jag
hoppas en fruktansvärd olycka inträffar så att han inte längre gå på jorden.
Ne
rigardu , infano. Indulgu lin, se vi povas. Se vi ne povas, pensu pri juveloj.
Habet
aliquid tantum deformes et urentibus deambulavit in terra?
Nu
is er een poster jongen voor abortus als ik ooit zag men.
Didto
apan alang sa grasya sa Dios kanako! Salamat sa Dios!
I'm
glad I'm monolingual. Who knows what they're saying about me?
*
At the Barely Perceptible Foothills of Madness
Noöne
freely chooses to wander the path leading to the barely perceptible foothills
of madness; souls or troubled or gladly sane may find themselves on that path
taken so seldom there is nor markers nor signs nor even a broken single blade
of deceptively healthy grass. Yet many thousands have come this way since the
days firmly and forever called "yore," for there is simply no way for
the barely perceptible foothills of madness to not exist, just as minds shall
never not exist: or rather it is only in the extinguishment of one that the
extinguishment of the other can be accomplished.
Let
us sit here on the ground, my friend, with--who knows?--the barely perceptible
foothills of madness some unknown distance away; perhaps we are at them
already, or perhaps they are a thousand miles away--who knows? indeed--and let
us consider the states of our minds. Do you think we can agree on the distances
involved? Is it a matter of consensus? Can we even agree on that, that it is a
matter of consensus? Listen to the wind which may know whither our paths will
take us....
*
The Mutant
From
her womb came a steady stream of one-off prodigies,
a
human being, for the most part, save for its entire lack of eyes or sockets,
a
bird, if a bird could have four legs closely like a donkey's legs,
triplets
joined at their elbows, like triplets a-dance in a circlet,
a
voiceless child, with throat but without vocal chords or semblance of breath,
a
strangely tiny creature with limbs uncountable as a sea anemone's,
seven
at once, 1st with three legs, 2nd with three arms, 3rd with three tongues, 4th
with four eyes, 5th with six ears, 6th with twenty toes, 7th with double
genitals,
a
disk of glass that moved of its own accord, sliding and rolling gracefully,
one
with hairy legs and arms and chest and all, who spoke like a woodcut,
a
snake with legs, four legs, with feet pink like a human child's,
a
scroll of paper that said more than anyone had ever said before,
a
circular thing that seemed to be consuming itself at one point,
a
slippery thing that continuously generated a sweet-smelling mucus without once
consuming a thing,
and
one child, a mutant, who was smarter than the rest.
*
The
boy got his name in a most peculiar way.
At
the funeral of his father, he was seated at the table of honour along with his
mother, his two younger brothers, and his older sister. The mourning was over,
and the future was in sight; that was on the minds of all, but never was it
spoken of explicitly.
The
meal was naturally ornate and vast. Finally they came to the ices and sugars,
and it was during the ices and sugars that his mother asked him, "You
haven't been sharing your thoughts with us; is there something plaguing
you?"
Before
he could answer, his youngest brother said, "He never says enough, now
does he?"
His
middle brother added, from the depths of wine, "Maybe he says everything
he can say."
And
his sister, with a touch of resentment at primogeniture, said, "He doesn't
have to say anything, does he? It's all his."
They
were looking at him intently, expecting his first dictum.
But
he sat there, without a word. He was in pain. He never wanted all this
attention. He had nothing to offer, and never spoke again.
Thus
did he become known as King Stephen the Silent.
*
A
month ago, I was in a reverie about a little dairy farm on Manhattan Island I
used to visit as a child. Today I can hardly believe it: I am here again.
Not
much has changed. We still have to be on patrol night and day because of the
occasional giant rat invasion.
Uncle
has built a tall tower, taller than any. It reaches nearly to the clouds. We
can watch the UFOs any time we want. They use less illumination when the sun is
shining.
How
long have I been here? Feels like forever. Let's call it "a week."
Disaster,
o disaster! The small pond from which we drew the water with which we made the
bread that Aunt Annie sold up on 42nd Street is nearly dried up. That's going
to make a big hole in our business plan cash flow.
It
rained! We are saved!
A
group from the New York Public Library tried to make a "field trip"
onto the farm. They ran away when we shot at them. Librarians!
New
calf at dawn. She looked up at me and cried. "I'm not your mommy," I
said.
I think
I'd like to live here forever....
*
All
I ever wanted was for other women to envy me, and it seemed to me that the
easiest way was to go out with famous men. (Of course I wanted love too.)
I
dabbled in stage enough to meet up with a locally-known musician guy. We went
out a couple times, and then he ... he did something terrible to me. And that
was it. I was smart then. I didn't call him ever again unless I needed
something.
Then
there was the actor. It was nice for a while; he was so charming and attentive.
Then one night I found him in bed with ... never you mind. Let's just say it
wasn't human. So that was it: I ended it. Over. Done.
I
licked my wounds and set my sights on a television personality. A host of a
show. Thousands of women say him every day. Well, after a couple weeks it all
went south. There were some confusing scenes for me. Especially when I got text
messages that were intended for ... others. Maybe it was intentional on his
part, I'll never know.
I
don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just bad with men.
*
The 10,381 Songs You Have To Hear Right Now
A-11 - Johnny Paycheck's fist big hit, and
it's sweet. This poor guy, in a
honky-tonk, likes everything in the world except for that song on the juke
that's A-11, which would be an A-side. If there's an earlier reference to jukes
let me know.
ABC - Blasted out of AM radio in 1970,
starting with an attention-grabbing run of piano, the Jackson 5 set the course
they'd set with "I Want You Back" (cf) to run roughshod over
everything in its wake.
Abilene - Lightnin' Hopkins was never so
sad as here. She's left him., and he's got the blues, in west Texas. Solo
performance. I can't find the matrix number.
Able Mable - by Mable John, an eponymous
groove of a brag by a chick you can imagine as a dominating fat black broad who
don't take shit from nobody.
Abounding Sin and Abounding Grace -
Paramount 3057. This is essential. It's about what will happen to you if you
sin. Then there's a male choir talking about mercy, via Amazing Grace.
About a Girl - Cobain thinks he's obsessed,
but it turns out every other guy in town
*
Popular Castles
"I
don't understand why we can't be so
industrious."
My
mother was talking about the giant robot a bunch of Japanese guys had erected,
or simply transported, onto our street three days ago. It was big--twelve
storeys high I'd say. With thick square feet and arms, and a big square space
in its chest where there could stand six or seven Japanese guys, it was
impressive, with a massive head with big red eyes.
"Maybe
it's for a Folkfest pavilion."
That
was my mother again, two days ago. I agreed. The robot looked like a
commonplace Japanese toy blown up a thousand-to-one. They'd been testing it all
day long. It made very little noise. I noticed then that all the Japanese guys
were in grey uniforms.
"I
suppose the grass will grow again. The pavement I'm not so sure about."
My
mother, yesterday. It turns out the robot's eyes are actually cool LASER
BEAMS--they tested them and burned up big circles of grass and ground and
pavement, to a depth of two feet. The laser had operated noiselessly.
I
wonder what their plans are. Folkfest isn't for another month. I'm sure these
Japs mean no harm.
*
"When
you look back on it, you can understand why the ancients thought Earth was one
of the four elements, along with Air, Fire, and Water. You could see it, you
could taste it, and so on. Many senses were involved in detecting it, and if
there was one thing they were interested in, it was the sensory world.
"Also,
they didn't have enough time to get the idea that Earth is actually a chemical
reaction rather than an element. Time as a concept, duration as a concept,
didn't come as readily to them as space did. They didn't really understand what
a process was. Everything was the same to them. In Ovid, things don't change:
Philomel is a person and a bird always one and the same. Philomel was a bird to
begin with and a person to end with, and vice versa. Every thing was always the same thing. Fascinating, isn't it?
"But today we know that Earth isn't in the
same class as Fire, Water, and Air. It doesn't have the same ontological status
as the others. Earth is a chemical reaction and nothing more than that; it's
just a bridge used by the other three. Fascinating!"
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