Tales From Shakespeare

I was talking to Cary Grant the other day. He said: "Say, do you remember that geography quiz fiasco we went through together back in Horfield?"

I said: "Not offhand."

"You don't? It was the last test of the term. How could you have forgotten it?"

"What was so special about it?"

"The teacher, Bertie we called him, scored it all wrong. He made up what he called the correct answers, and expected us to know what he'd invented."

"Did he? I don't recall that at all."

"Weren't you there? The place went up in revolt! It was in the newspapers even! I'm sure if you looked back at your test scores you'd see the evidence."

I shrugged. "As if I keep test scores. Maybe I don't remember it because I don't think it's important."

"How can you forget such injustice? I'm telling you the place was up in arms!"

"Maybe you're thinking of something, or someone, else."

"No, no, you were there, I distinctly remember it."

"Tell me some more about this test."

"USA was labelled Perth; the Caroline forest was in South Africa; the Thames was in Argentina."

"Now I remember that test."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I aced it."

 

*

 

Hitler is in his bunker, 27 April 1945, thinking about getting married. Berlin is crashing down all around him. It's very upsetting. One of his henchmen comes in and says: "There's some guys here to see you."

"Show them in."

The two guys are dressed in Casual Fridays. "Hello, Fuhrer!" they salute.

Hitler is abrupt. "What is it?"

"We're computer engineers. Geniuses, actually. We're here to offer you a great deal on software."

"What is software?"

"Computer instructions. Like that Enigma thing."

"Who told you about Enigma?"

The two guys laugh. First one says: "Everyone in the know knows about Enigma! So anyway, we are offering to quantify your subjects' every move, make it possible for you to see where they are at all times, and all kinds of other stuff about them, like their favourite colours, in return for metadata we can use to run artificial intelligence programs."

Second one says: "We gonna build giant genius robots! Cyborg transhuman evolution!"

Hitler shouts: "Berlin is crashing down all around us! Where were you six months ago?"

"Playing D&D."

"Then there was a furry festival."

"And Burning Man."

"Get out! Get out!"

In the hall the guys confer.

"Where next?"

"Toronto."

 

*

 

Once, George Orwell had this huge crush on Susan Sontag. One hung-over morning he got up the courage to ask her out for a date. She accepted. They checked the theatre listings. The Rocky Horror Show was on. Orwell bought tickets.

Out for dinner beforehand, they talked about the topologically homologous landscape of science fiction and historiography, and also about their cats. Orwell made the point that all political polarities may harken back to Aristotle's classification of the general and the particular such that 'the being of all men is different' and 'the being of all men is the same' superimpose simultaneously. Sontag told Orwell his being was simultaneously a dick's.

Then they went to the late night double feature picture show.

They went for drinks afterwards, to a bar down the street from me. Orwell told Sontag he simply didn't 'get it'. The acting was overblown, the singing was too loud to be in tune, and the set was atrocious. Sontag told him: "It's camp."

"Yes, I recognize that. What I want to know is: Can there be a bad production of the show?"

"No. The audience will love it, no matter the production. The emotion is camp, too."

 

*

 

After six years of writing letters, Baruch Spinoza and Elly May Clampett finally tied the knot. They settled down in a house overlooking the Charles River and Baruch would take the footbridge over to M.I.T. to teach rhizomes to the kids at the Media Lab while Elly May looked after the house and the three acres.

A couple years later, they had a fight. Elly May had to get her curls done and she asked Baruch to make up the meal. When she got home, Baruch hadn't done a thing but buy the pork and the beans. She sat there with her arms crossed while he whipped it up and she was cross all that eve.

Next night things got to a pitch. Elly May interrupted Baruch, when he was talking about a promising student of his by the name of Noam, saying: "I spend an hour cooking for you so it's on the table straightaways when you get home."

Baruch replied: "I did mine most efficiently," citing that the meal was best when most quickly made.

Elly May took his point, saying: "I guess I'm not the only King Chef in the place."

And they lived happily ever after.