Happy New Year

Happy New Year

 

I know the following scenario is going to happen some day:

I die, of whatever causes, and I travel through a great light until I am deposited in a large room that looks like Service Ontario at College Park. My number gets called, and I go to a wicket behind which an angel wearing glasses with a lanyard tells me: "We've thoroughly gone over your case. Do you want to know where you're going?"

"Sure, why not?"

"You're going to spend eternity lying on a bed in a wide field. It will be a very comfortable bed, and you will try to sleep. However, ever couple minutes, some large birds will descend upon you, squawking at you or stomping on you, and they won't let you sleep."

"Sounds vaguely familiar."

"It's a variation on a popular theme."

I look around briefly. "So, why that punishment?"

She flips a page. "You relied on dreaming too much. You liked dreaming, and you liked little else. You never faced up to reality, preferring fantastic garbage instead. That's about it."

"Wow. I didn't expect this, not one bit."

She rolls her eyes. "If I had a dollar for every time.... Next!"

 

Happy New Year

 

Walking home late last night, I got cornered by a couple tough G-men in brown trench-coats. They just wouldn't let me by.

"I say," said I: "What is this all about?"

The taller one said: "We want to talk about your protection."

"Oh, okay! I pay this guy, goes by the name of Knuckles, seventy-five bucks a week. He keeps me safe that way. He's with the Gambino family, you know, the Black Hand. I delayed a payment once, he gave me three days, I paid up with 100% interest, everything was fine."

The shorter one said: "We're not asking about that kind of protection."

"Ah! Rest assured, gentlemen, I always use condoms, and let me tell you, I use them a lot. I'm kind of a Lothario, I think the word is. I find 'em, feel 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em: knocking one up would ruin my caddish sleazy pleasure, get it?"

Tall: "We're talking about your mask."

Short: "The one you don't have on."

I said: "Oh! Well, I don't think that's any of your business."

They both punched me at once, then, once I'd fallen, they kicked me a hundred times.

Referents are tough!

 

Happy New Year

 

Trifim put down his glass to say: "And you know something else?" It was like he was coming out of nowhere. "Compact disks. You pay, what, like fifteen bucks for one, but do you know what they cost to manufacture? Something like forty cents!"

"Outrageous! We're being gouged up the wazoo!"

Trifim continued: "The whole money thing is a mess. I got a gold watch in the mail the other day. Solid gold! Sent by mistake, of course; nonetheless I paid the delivery fee: eight dollars. A gold watch for only eight dollars!"

"It's endless the amount of unreason we're subjected to on any given day!"

"Then I mailed a couple letters: one went to the house next door, and the other one all the way across the country. Yet the postage was the same! How can that work?"

"It can't! The whole system's gonna collapse!"

After a bit more drink, Trifim continued: "And of course there's us, there's our bodies. All our chemical constituents, you know what they cost? Something like two bucks! I should be able to buy ten of you for a double sawbuck! But I can't! Where's the fairness in that?"

Wise Trifim!

 

Happy New Year

 

And here to present the next Grammy™ Award: Tülü!

Tülü: Tonight, quiet down everyone, tonight for the first time we present the award for Most Original Band Name 2022. This award, sponsored by the American Typographical Association, goes to bands whose names are unpronounceable or just plain stupid. And the nominees are:

Fjwiow Vnejknecv and the Heueo Brothers

-&!)^ ($*#! )##

Douchegoofs

ﯺﯙ↑ ♣üô╖ ∩≈ὼ ṟᴯﻈ

The G9530ti90gmbaogjfdk Hexadecimals

And the award goes to: -&!)^ ($*#! )##!

-&!)^ ($*#! )##!: Wow, this is an incredible moment! I'd like to thank our manager, Paul Smith, and our agent, Mary Jones. -&!)^ ($*#! )## thanks you for the faith you had in us.

And here to present the next Grammy™ Award: Roger Daltrey!

Roger Daltrey: Here's a list of nominees for Solo Performer, Accompanied or Unaccompanied, with the Most Unpronounceable or Stupid Name. In alphabetical‑‑er, yes, this award is sponsored by the American Typographical Association‑‑order, the nominees are:

Tyvolenko 5nwj5c999dfA

╧╞▲♦♫◌╖ Jimmy Jone$$$

ÅÁ½ÍëëëæČĕö÷ŇĽŞ

Frkpckwsqzvk Plqrtvkrvvkl

̨̛̟̪̒̃˵˯͙̚Ͳ̭ͣ́ ΘϕЃϡхҖҋӜԶ֧לٔ

And the award goes to: ÅÁ½ÍëëëæČĕö÷ŇĽŞ!

ÅÁ½ÍëëëæČĕö÷ŇĽŞ: Wow. Just: Wow. We don't know what to say. Too amazing for words. Simply too amazing for words. Too amazing for words.

 

Happy New Year